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True Crime on Campus #54: Goldfish, Gas and Gareth Southgate

More tales of crime on campus from Registrarism, including the strange tale of someone claiming to be the England football manager.
This article is more than 5 years old

Paul Greatrix is Registrar at The University of Nottingham, author and creator of Registrarism and a Contributing Editor of Wonkhe.

New year, new true crime on campus. And once again our outstanding Security staff are called on to deal with some very strange incidents indeed.

We remain grateful for their eternal vigilance and willingness to engage with people claiming to be the England football manager.

0400 Report of noise in hall, security attended and spoke to two students who had thrown food and made a mess. The students were told to clean the mess up and keep the noise down. The hall warden is to be informed.

2045 Report of gas coming out of the water taps in a house, security attended and confirmed that it was not gas.

1600 Report of a person flying a drone adjacent to Highfield Lake on university property. Security attended and spoke to the person they were given advice and told not to fly it again on university property unless they have been given permission. The person had got their drone stuck in a tree, grounds staff will be asked if they can get the drone down.

1830 Report of suspicious activity in Student Service Centre South, security attended. Officers spoke to a number of students who were there to hand in course work and had been looking for a large stapler with torches on their mobile phones.

0415 Report of noise in hall, security attended and spoke to a group of students who were cutting a birthday cake up. They were asked to keep the noise down and consider others.

2203 Report of that the occupants of a vehicle were seen throwing eggs at a Hopper Bus on Beeston Lane, security attended and are to follow up.

14:10 Security received a report that there was a damp patch on the carpet in the staff room in the library, and this had been there for two days and they could not find where this was coming from. They were told to call security if it got any worse.

1545 Report of a student with a suspected broken finger in Trent Building, security attended the student stated that they had been playing with Nerf guns when they tripped over furniture breaking their finger. Security took the student to hospital, safety office is to be informed.

0700 Security were asked by a member of staff for assistance as a plastic container had become wedged under their vehicle. Officers attended and removed the container which had gone under the vehicle while it was being driven on the A52. The vehicle was parked adjacent to Trent Building.

2120 Report of sheep on Station Road, security contacted the Farm Manager who sent one man and his dog to round up the sheep.

2210 Report of students running around Si Yuan Building throwing balls of paper at each other. Security attended and spoke to the students who were given advice.

0200 Fire alarm activation hall, security attended the cause of the activation was due to bread being put in a microwave and left on. Officers attended the smoke was cleared and system reset. Safety Office, Hall Manager and Warden to be informed.

0915 Report of the theft of wheels from a lawnmower which was stored in a grounds area on campus. Security attended and are to follow up.

1311 Report of a smell of burning in SRB, security attended the cause was found to be a hotplate which had been left on. Officers turned the hotplate off.

2330 Report of a live goldfish in a toilet in Trent Building, Security attended and removed the goldfish from the u-bend. Officers took the goldfish to the Millennium Gardens and released it into the water feature.

0020 Security were requested to attend Nottingham Medical School to remove a padlock from a locker as the member of staff had locked the key in the locker. Security attended and removed the lock.

1310 Report that someone had fallen into a hedge on Lancroft Lane and could not get out. Security attended and the area was searched. There was no sign of anyone in a hedge.

2017 Security were asked to attend a house as the occupant was unable to work out how to use the washing machine. Security attended and after checking the machine it was found to be broken and will be reported for repair.

1100 Report of a student with a burn to their forehead in Hall, security attended and spoke to the student. The student stated that they had been trying to light a cigarette and set fire to their hair which burnt their forehead. The student was taken to Cripps Health Centre for treatment.

05:45 Security were called to hall as the green exit button did not appear to be working. Hunters called.

1000 Report that an envelope with £600 in it had been found in a book in Hallward Library. Security attended and collected the money from the library staff who found it. The student came to security later in the day to ask if the money had been handed in. Security were able to return the money to the very happy Student. The student was given advice on looking after their money. The student also explained that this was money from their parents.

01:33 Security were called to Hall, Jubilee as three students were acting suspiciously. On arrival three students were taking kettles from around the hall and placing them around the corridors. Warden informed.

2120 Report that a cannabis plant had been found at BGP, security attended and collected the plant which on examination is not a cannabis plant.

20:05 Report that a student had injured their ankle while dancing in The Exchange. Security attended and provided First Aid.

12:10 Report of a student walking into a transparent partition in the Jubilee Atrium Canteen. Security attended and applied a cold compress, the student reported feeling fine otherwise with no injuries.

04:21 Security attended a fire alarm activation at Hall. This was a false alarm due to burnt popcorn.

11:40 Report of a goose with a broken leg near the Trent Building. RSPCA notified.

0105 Report of noise in Hall quad, Security attended and spoke to a group of conference delegates who were singing. They were asked to consider other residents.

And then, finally, one rather surprising incident from last summer:

1900 The Semi-final of the World Cup was screened with numbers attending in the low hundreds. No issues have been reported. Security measures are in place for the England game which is being played this evening, numbers and excitement are expected to be higher than last night. A call was also received by Security from a Mr G Southgate querying whether the Registrar of the University of Nottingham was fully on board with the fact that “it” was “coming home”. Security assured him that the formal position of the university was that it was indeed coming home. Registrar to be alerted for follow-up.

[Just to note that the mystery of what exactly was expected to be coming home has still yet to be satisfactorily resolved and, in any case, “it” ended up somewhere else after all that.]

If you’ve enjoyed this or any of the previous editions of True Crime on Campus then you’ll be keen to get hold of the book of the same name. You can order it for only £5 directly from the University of Nottingham online shop or from Amazon if you prefer. Alternatively and excitingly, for those who prefer their campus crime in e-book form you can now buy True Crime on Campus for Kindle too. The book includes an outstanding selection of the many hundreds of bizarre, unfortunate, inexplicable and just plain weird campus crime reports have appeared over the years.

At least half of any profits from the sale of this book will be given to support the Children’s Brain Tumour Research Centre at the University of Nottingham to create a brighter future for children with brain tumours. You can find out more about the work of the Centre here.

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