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True Crime on Campus §47: No-one claimed the doll

It's time for more True Crime on Campus. Of course it is.
This article is more than 8 years old

Paul Greatrix is Registrar at The University of Nottingham, author and creator of Registrarism and a Contributing Editor of Wonkhe.

Reports from Campus Security? Now there’s a thought.

Just thought I would preface this edition of True Crime on Campus (number 47) to say how delighted I was to see this new series in the Guardian, in which “a campus guard reveals the strange goings-on that universities would prefer us to know nothing about”. It’s a great idea and can’t imagine where they got it from.

Meanwhile, here at the University of Nottingham, where our Security staff are unfailingly courteous and rarely act like they are in a Tarantino movie, there have been some tricky issues to deal with I can tell you:

1655 Report of a person with a cut hand in Trent Building. Security attended and found a student who had been sitting an exam had broken a pen causing a cut to their hand. Officers spoke to the Student who refused treatment.

Smoke was in fact without fire on this occasion
Smoke was in fact without fire on this occasion

10:10 Security attended a smoke coming from a rubbish bin in the Trent West car park, University Park. On investigation there was smoke but no fire, water was used to eliminate the smoke. Help Desk informed and fire report complete.

2100 Security Officers spoke to a Student who was found to be roller blading in Engineering Science Learning Building. The Student was told not to do this in the Building.

1455 Report of a female stuck in a toilet cubicle in Hallward Library, Security attended and opened the cubicle door.

0735 Security found a Student asleep in ESLC, Officers spoke to the Student and advised them to go home.

1740 Report that a person had twisted their ankle while walking in the car park adjacent to Hall. The person did not require any assistance from Security and was being taken home by their partner.

1710 Report of persons stealing Astro Turf from Triumph Road Sports Centre Security attended.

Anyone want to buy some astroturf?
Anyone want to buy some astroturf?

1930 Report that a male was watching female Students with a pair of binoculars adjacent to Hall. Security attended and spoke to the male. After speaking to him the male left Campus.

1205 Report of the theft of a Pedal Cycle from adjacent to DHL, Security attended and spoke to the Student. The Student’s cycle had been found insecure by Security and removed to a secure area. The cycle was returned to the Student. When asked why he had not secured his cycle he replied that he was properly late for a class.

No evidence found
No evidence found

1053 Report of Mormons in Yang Fujia Building recruiting for converts. Security attended a search of the area was made no one fitting the descriptions given could be located.

1100 Patrol Security found items including a wallet left on the top of a vehicle parked on Jubilee Campus. The owner a member of Staff was located the items were returned to him.

0830 Patrol Security Officers found steam coming out of a manhole adjacent to Highfield House, Estates Help Desk informed.

1512 Security requested Police assistance to deal with an HGV which was stuck between Coates and Biomolecular Science. Security and the Police were able to get the vehicle to reverse out onto the Ring Road with Police stopping traffic. AN is to be informed.

1531 Report of a person on Portland Building roof. Security attended and spoke to the male who had a permit to be on the roof and was undertaking work in that area.

Really looks nothing like a gun
Really looks nothing like a gun

0100 Report of a Student in Hall with a firearm. Security attended on speaking to the Student concerned it was found to be a controller for a gaming system. The person who contacted Security had seen the Student playing their game in their room.

1315 Report of the theft of a Pedal Cycle from the cycle rack adjacent to Coates Building. Security attended and located the cycle where the Student had left it. The Student was rather embarrassed at forgetting where her cycle was.

2330 Report of an inflatable doll in the corridor of Hall, Security attended and removed the doll. Officers tried to find its owner but no one claimed the doll.

Remember. You heard it here first.

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