Wonkhe won’t do April fools this year, but if we did…

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Last year’s Wonkhe April Fool’s story, if you didn’t see it, went down pretty well. In some cases, perhaps a bit too well…

As April 1st will fall on a weekend this year, it didn’t seem likely that we’d get a lot of traction for such an elaborate hoax. So Team Wonkhe has come over ‘a bit meta’ and decided to share our ideas for what Wonkhe’s joke headline might have been this year. 

Further suggestions are of course welcome in the comments.

Wonkhe to apply for degree awarding powers 

Taking advantage of the government’s inspired efforts to open up the higher education sector to new providers, Wonkhe is proud to announce that it will be applying for the right to award its own degrees upon the introduction of the new higher education regulatory framework. Wonkhe will be offering degrees in higher education policy, practice, and passive aggressive irreverence. Wonkhe Founder and Director Mark Leach said: “This is an exciting new venture for Wonkhe, and we hope to obtain the rights to university title within only one or two years”.

NUS ‘no platforms’ Wonkhe following critical coverage of the NSS boycott

Wonkhe Founder and Director Mark Leach has been informed by a National Union of Students spokesperson that a motion will be proposed at its upcoming National Conference to ‘No Platform’ the organisation following critical coverage of the NSS boycott in a recent email briefing. The motion is thought to be likely to be approved by these snowflake, monoculture, ‘safe space’ students that we all know millennials to be. A spokesperson for Spiked told Wonkhe: “Now you know how we feel. Join the dark side”.

Wonkhe rebranding to Wonky so people pronounce it correctly

Founder and Director Mark Leach said: “I’m just fed up of correcting people who should know better. Clearly I should have seen this coming when coming up with a name six years ago, but frankly, I didn’t think this would take off”.

Mark Leach to leave Wonkhe to become chief executive of Russell Group

Wonkhe is sad to announce the imminent departure of Founder and Director Mark Leach to become the next chief executive of the Russell Group. On appointment, Mark said: “It’s what I’ve been working towards for years. The pay is simply incredible”. The search for a new Wonkhe Director is underway. To express your interest, email team@wonkhe.com.

Wonkhe to abandon daily email briefing in favour of weekly print magazine

Wonkhe has decided to discontinue its flagship Daily Briefing service in favour of a print magazine edition, to be published every Thursday. Founder and Director Mark Leach said, “In the age of modern, digital media, it’s clear that no-one really wants an up-to-the-minute email service clogging up their inboxes. The future is in print!”

Winner of Wonkhe competition chosen as actual OfS logo 

After extensive lobbying, incoming Office for Students chair Sir Michael Barber has announced that the winner of Wonkhe’s 2016 ‘design a logo for the Office for Students‘ competition will be adopted as the organisation’s formal branding. Wonkhe Founder and Director Mark Leach said, “This shows just what it means to be an influential and essential thinktank in the world of higher education policy. Nothing else we achieve this year could top this.” Sir Michael Barber said, “We await the inevitable lawsuit from a well known furniture retailer”.

HESA to change all its reporting to base 12

Too niche even for me (Ed.).

4 thoughts on “Wonkhe won’t do April fools this year, but if we did…”

  1. johnnysrich says:

    Congratulations on your new role, Mark. And may I be the first to say that, as your replacement, George Osborne is a truly inspired choice.

  2. Corony Edwards says:

    You must have published this before the shock news this morning of Theresa May’s announcement that the Johnson brothers are to swap roles.

  3. Isn’t there a missing ‘f’ in your logo for Office for Students?

    1. M N says:

      😂
      therveysheffieldacuk – love it! I’ll never be able to think of it any other way now.. Am sure I’ll think that often as new regulations take hold!

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